I Cried A Lot in 2023
I really struggled to write this post for January. Not because I have been busy, but because I really struggled with how to make a leadership lesson out of something that I am personally struggling with. In my heart, the message is clear, give of yourself every opportunity you get. For this post I am asking you to be more generous in sharing your thoughts and feelings.
Whether it be the sharing of a memory, giving praise or expressing love, don’t hold back. Relationships matter, and the more you take time to interpersonally relate with others, especially those that are closest to you, in and out of work, the more resilient and enriching your relationships will be.
2023, without question, was one of the best years of my life. I experienced incredible growth, both professionally and personally. I attribute part of that growth to what I wrote about in my December Newsletter, regarding the importance of gratitude. I learned to not hold back during the pandemic and that daily conscious decision enriches every day of my life.
2023 is also the year I cried the most. 2023 was not a great year for several people that I love and care for deeply, and especially one friend in particular, who was diagnosed with a very aggressive motor-neuron disease, Lou Gehrig’s. I have spent a lot of time trying to understand how ‘to be there’ for my friend. But, what has affected me the most was when he confided his greatest fear was that his children would forget him.
Legacy
My friend’s legacy as a loving and steadfast husband, father, son and friend is secure. However, when I asked him if he had started journaling or purposefully and explicitly sharing childhood memories and life lessons with his children, he said no. I can only imagine the reason he hasn’t is because of he doesn’t know where to start. That, and it is has to be hard wanting to say something to a 10-year-old you hope they will remember when they are 16 or 24.
I have become increasingly sensitive to what will be my legacy as a husband, father and son, and at times, a leader. The idea of legacy I feel many of us take for granted, especially leaders. You are more likely to be remembered for how you made people feel, than you will be for what you accomplished. You will most certainly positively influence the behaviors and dispositions of others when you have established and maintained a genuine rapport.
Self-Betrayal
Before I share how you can establish a genuine rapport, I want to first address why so many leaders don’t build a genuine rapport with their colleagues. I have personally experienced and observed two reasons. The first, as leaders we often focus to much on the product and not the person. We focus on the process for developing great products but neglect the process for developing great people.
Secondly, most leaders are ‘in the box’. They withhold authentic expressions of feelings for their colleagues. This concept of the ‘box’ was introduced by the Arbinger Group in their book Leadership and Self-Deception. Leaders disguise themselves as professional or respectable by assuming a persona that they believe is expected in their position. They impose walls on genuinely relating with and connecting to others.
There are a variety of reasons for this Self-Betrayal. Most common for me is that it can feel awkward to share something that seems too personal, or it may undermine my influence. We may also feel that our sharing may be perceived as being self-centered, or irrelevant to the other person. The betrayal, though, isn’t only the withholding, but also why we justify not sharing our thoughts and feelings. Often it is justified by the fact we feel the gesture won’t be appreciated or even possibly rejected.
Getting Out of the Box
One of the most important lessons I have taken from Leadership and Self-Deception is that in order to get out of the box, you need to establish a genuine rapport with your team members and staff. You need to take time to appreciate their circumstances but also be intentional in how you communicate the things that matter, even if they might critical feedback.
I believe the advice I gave my friend will not only be effective in ensuring you will be remembered, but will also help to build and maintain genuine rapport. What my friend and I have committed to was not just for him, but something he reminds me regularly that I can also be doing. It takes 5-minutes a day and is an extension of my 5 Ways to Give Genuine Appreciation.
The original purpose of what I have outlined below was to provide simple guidance and prompts to capture memories and advice for my friend’s children to read at various stages of their lives. These include a multitude of feelings and ideas that his mind is constantly grappling with. A secondary purpose, was to devise some method that could become a daily habit by simplifying the process for prompting and capturing thoughts and feelings. I called it Word Bites:
Word Bites
5 min per day
1 to 2 sentences
Purposefully keep it short, you can always add to it later
Don’t try to organize your thoughts
Collect 50-100 before you start trying to categorize the notes
Write them in a notes app and label each note with a generic category like advice, memory, future birthday message, etc
Once categorized there are online services that can send the messages at future dates or since they are categorized the kids can search and read when appropriate
Note ideas
Advice you were given
Memories of them as kids
How you met their mother
What you love about them
Your first love
Your first heartbreak
How you feel right now
What your fears are/were
What you are really proud of about your life
What you are really proud of about them
Memories from your childhood
Your hopes and aspirations as a child, young adult and now
Your hopes and aspirations for them
Mistakes you made
What I outlined above is obviously quite personal and intended for family. However, replace kids with a staff member’s name, childhood with career and wife with someone that transformatively influenced your life.
Take small intentional steps to building strong and resilient relationships with the people you hope to achieve the greatest changes with in work and in life. Don’t only see this as a relationship building tool, but a way to influence how you will be remembered. It is the memory of how you made people feel that will continue to shape their career.
