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Last January, I wrote about the importance of legacy, and specifically that you are more likely to be remembered for how you made people feel, than you will be for what you accomplished. That blog post was a particularly sensitive one for me, as I was reflecting on my relationship with a friend that is terminally ill.
Over the Summer holiday I visited my friend and he taught me another powerful lesson, one that I have been saving for this point in the school year to share. This lesson is applicable every day of our life, but for school leaders, if applied right now, it will have an incredibly profound effect on your professional relationships. This lesson will not only positively shape relationships, but it can be an incredible capacity building tool.
“I want to see more of that.”
While walking on the beach with my wife and our friends, I noticed the other couples holding hands. Whenever I observe couples holding hands, I feel uncomfortable. Not because I don’t like the idea of it, but because I don’t know why it is so hard for me to do. However, something compelled me in that moment and I reached out and grabbed my wife’s hand. Immediately, she turned and smiled; it felt good. Within a minute, my friend strolled closer to me and whispered, “I want to see more of that.”
Admittedly, in that moment, I could have felt judged. My wife might not have turned and smiled. Quite a few things could have happened that would have discouraged me from wanting to hold her hand in the future. But, in that moment, due in large part to respecting my friend as a husband, the phrase felt like a reward and I have continued to hold my wife’s hand to this day.
I want to see more of that requires more than just the words. This phrase needs to be heard by someone that you have good rapport with and they appreciate that the phrase is being said relative to your relationship with them. So, if you are a Pastoral Leader and you observe a colleague actively listening to a distraught student, you have every right to say, “I want to see more of that, I really appreciated how you paraphrased that student’s concerns and made them feel heard.”
What is the equivalent to holding hands for you and your team? Is it sharing resources? Celebrating successes with students? Listening and demonstrating understanding when a colleague shares a concern or idea? Maybe the equivalent to holding hands is just that, reaching out to a team member to offer help or even just share a kind comment.
As a leader, regardless if you believe you are leading people or not, you have been given a responsibility that entitles you to supervise, observe and comment on behaviors that positively influence the team. At a minimum, the non-negotiables are to ensure teachers are familiar with the curriculum, prepared for class and adhering to deadlines. Although, you may want more from your team than just this, this is still a good place to start. “I want to see more of that, the resource you shared with the team today was really helpful.”
All I am asking you to do is to share the observations that positively reinforce working collaboratively. Focus a little less on the product and a little more on the people, and in particular the positive behaviors team members are demonstrating. Make your team feel good about being a part of and contributing to the team. Only you can do that.
Thank you for time and consideration,
Mike
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